Nostalgia and the social networking sight

I recently made contact with an old friend via Facebook. After a few months of following one another in the news stream, I initiated a conversation via private message. We exchanged plesantries, caught up on families and jobs. Basically we reconnected after nearly 20 years of absence. One morning, after a particularly well written and touching email, I read a status update from her that got me to thinking. “How is it that a social networking technology like FaceBook can have me feeling so nostalgic?” My instant response was to say,” Its all about connections.” And I of course comment as much. I may have oversimplified things, but I believe I struck the root of her sentiment.

For decades, nay centuries, mankind has been limited in the ability to maintain communications by geography. We were able to keep in touch only with those with whom we could make direct contact. Long distance communications systems eventually came into play and allowed us to reach beyond our immediate region and maintain contact with those who were more distant. Courier and mail systems came first, and made it possible to send messages across vast distances. Telegraph and telephone came next. Eventually these made it possible to connect and speak (in real time) to those who were distant. Like never before, the world became a smaller place. It was then possible to maintain contact with old friends, colleagues, and family wherever they were in the world, thus preserving relationships that would have otherwise dwindled.
Voice over IP and Skype video conferencing have brought families who had been long separated back into each other’s living rooms. Social networking sites like FaceBook and Twitter allow us to “keep tabs” on and “catch up with” people we might otherwise have gone months if not years without even knowing their whereabouts. Relationships that might otherwise have fallen away and withered are kept fresh by the ability to “follow” the news stream of updates. People keep connected by repeatedly answering simple questions like, “What’s on our mind?” and, “What are you doing?” Real-time video and voice communications allow long forgotten friendships to once again spark to life. Past loves can reconnect. Former rivals can bridge time and distance to make amends for past grievances.

Nostalgia? Like looking through old photo albums, facebook allows us to look back a bit. We get in touch with a person after decades of absence, and we are immediately back in touch with a past emotional state. We may have moved on. We may live on opposite sides of the world and have divergent careers We may have families of our own but we are connected through a series of random thoughts, observations, and shared histories. There is a collective history shared and that keeps us a little closer than we might have been. How is it we allow this to happen? I think there are a few reasons why we let this cold, technical, impersonal collection of silicone and wire touch us in such a real and profound way.

Relative safety: From the safety of my own home, I can search for an old friend and send out a friend request. If they accept my request and I am not secure in our friendship, I can lurk. I can check out their profile, pictures, and current friends list. I can basically do the work of catching up without having to do much more than click a few buttons. I can deflect some of the shame of having lost touch a little by doing a little research to quickly bring myself “up to speed.” I can lurk a while and watch. I can read their posts and silently eavesdrop a bit on their page. Then, once I feel comfortable, and I have done my homework, I can initiate a little deeper contact. I might start by commenting on a few status updates. I might invite them to take a quiz or survey or add them to my birthday calendar. I might just send them a personal message. If I am really comfortable, I might even pop open a chat box and strike up a quickie conversation.
I can do all of these things from the safety of my own little room. No one can see me lurking. No one knows I am nervous or even a little ashamed that I have been such a poor friend that I didn’t even know they had moved from Atlanta to Hartford, to Dallas. I didn’t know they had kids. I have been so far removed that I had no idea where they even went to school and what line of work they found. But if I do my homework I can fake it. I can read their self-prepared dossier and have a quickie summary of the past decades in order to build a little conversation. I can do all this from the safety of my terminal. …Safety.
Real time responsiveness: Long ago, a person might write a note to their brother and send it off by post. Weeks or even months later, the note arrive and said brother could read and feel a little closer to his sibling for a moment. He might write a note back and respond. His letter would likewise arrive in just a few more days. The cycle could continue add infinitum. Not so anymore. Now, if my brother sends me a message, I will have it delivered to my phone and can read it as I exit church. My response to him could be on his phone within seconds of my receipt of his initial contact. Immediate, responsiveness makes one feel connected. The act of interacting in real time helps personalize things. It exemplifies the closeness of the relationship. Or at least that is the perception, and perception is reality to the one doing the perceiving.
The over share: A quick review of my daily new stream shows me things as diverse as daily prayer updates to infant potty habits. There is a strange tendency to share intimate details through these sites that might otherwise have been filtered out through slower means of communication. In order to communicate in an efficient manner whine writing traditional letters, one tended to stick to details that were important and less mundane.
In an effort to have something fresh, we truly answer the question, “What’s on your mind?” We often answer this question without engaging our mental firewall. This happens often to the detriment of our privacy. This glimpse into the more private details of a person’s life may give one the feeling of a closer relationship than actually exists. Now that I know that your teen is moody and has bad grades, I somehow know you. Does that make me your friend or a person who has eavesdropped on a conversation you had too loudly at the coffee shop with you real friends? If I were to “comment” on something you said out loud in a coffee shop to a personal friend, I might be considered rude. (You might consider it rude even if I did know you from primary school.) If intimate knowledge equates to friendship, I am better friends with kids from high school now that I was during school.

So, we are nostalgic when we make contact with old friends. We should be nostalgic. It is a truly unique time we live in. We can just type in an old friend’s name and locate them wherever live has taken them. It’s cool to have an old school mate friend request you. Reminiscing about old times and posting pictures of the way we were is all well and fine. Remember though who our real friends are. Ask yourself these questions. “Who on my friends list could I call in a pinch?” “If I needed a person to come pick me up or watch my kids for the night, who could I call from my friends list or my followers?”

Of the literally hundreds of friends you might have on your friends lists, you will likely have only a precious few who you could call friends in the real world. Nurture these. Remember who they are. Remember who you can count on. Remind yourself of who you would be willing to jump out of bed and run across the country for at a moment’s notice. Never mistake the false intimacy that these social networking sites provide for true intimate friendships.
This does not mean that you can not develop or even rekindle true, lasting, deeply intimate friendships online. It does mean that we should not make the mistake of believing that the 200 people who have you on their friend lists are our close personal friends. True friendships take work. Simply commenting on a person’s link or post is nice, but it can be no substitute for the connection one can gain from deep, personal time together.
Absolutely reconnect. Renew old friendships. Touch base with you classmates. Remember the old days. But live in the now. I truly have affection for my friends on the net, but there are a small few who I might call if things got really rough. Perhaps I am alone in this. I doubt it though. I am working on renewing some old friendships. I have had lunch with people I had not seen in over a decade. I am exchanging email with some old friends. I plan on attending reunions in the near future to renew the personal connection that the net simply cannot provide. I wish I could say that everyone on my friends list is a true friend. I enjoy following their lives. I have learned a great deal about people with whom I was really only an acquaintance before. Some of them are becoming actual friends. That is what makes it fun.